Tuesday, May 3, 2011

What do you think?

Hello, Sallah213 here, using Photo's account(she let me, don't worry!).  I wrote a story, and was wondering if you guys could critique/tell me what you think about it.  Thanks!  Here it is:


Chapter 1

April 8th, 2011

Call me Rej.  Before we get any farther, it’s pronounced like singular letters.  Not “Rezh”, like it looks, but “Are-Ee-Jay”.  R-E-J.  Singular letters.  Let’s keep going now.
Rej, of course, isn’t my actual name.  Rej is short for Reggie which is short for Reginald which isn’t short for anything.  My last name is Turner, and I some how ended up in a family where girls outnumber guys.  But, enough about me.  Let’s move onto the story, now.
I took a slow step forward, hoping against hope that Dad wouldn’t hear me.  One more step to go and I would out of the house.  I could probably make it to Ruthie’s house in 2 minutes, and Star’s in 4. 
“Reginald, what are you doing?”
I resisted the urge to swear under my breath and turned around.  “Hey, Mira.”
My mother, Mira Turner, stood at the bottom of the stairs, hands on hips.  I was in deep sneakers.  Crud.
“Reginald, what have we told you about sneaking out of the house at 3 o’clock in the morning?”  My mother said exasperatedly.
“Not to do it?”  I offered, taking an oh-so subtle step towards the door.  If I could move fast, I would probably be able to get out before Mira could catch me.  If I actually got outside, she wouldn’t follow me.
Pause a moment.  I just realized I called her Mira, and you’re probably wondering why I call her by  her first name.  Well, my Dad was previously married, which is why I have my half-sister, Kizi, and he remarried my mother.  Mira’s awfully young, though.  Like, 28?  And my Dad is, like, 40.  It’s really wrong.  Especially seeing as I just turned 13, and I’m sure you can do the math.  But, I call her Mira because she doesn’t feel like my mom at ALL.
“And don’t think I didn’t notice that sneaky back move with your foot.”
Dang.  “How about you go check on Nora? I think I hear her upstairs.”  Nora is my 5-year-old sister.  She shares the same parents as me, unlike Kizi, who only shares my Dad.
“I’m not falling for that, mister,” Mira snapped.
“Falling for what?” I said, too innocently.
Mira sighed and tapped her foot at me.
“What’s going on down there?”  Kizi’s voice echoed down from the upstairs.
“Karoline, go back to bed,” Mira called in a loud whisper.
Karoline is Kizi’s actual name, if you hadn’t picked up that Kizi isn’t her name, by now.  Kizi sort of pretends that Kizi is her actual name, though, and she doesn’t really respond well to Karoline, which drives Mira up the wall.
“Who should go back to bed?”  Kizi responded, a warning tone in her voice.  Yes, Kizi does have an attitude, even at 3 o’clock in the morning.
“Karoline, now.  What the—Reginald, get back here!”  Mira said exasperatedly, as I dashed out the door.
“Thank you, Kizi,” I muttered under my breath, charging down the street.  I skidded to a stop right  before Ruthie’s house and waited anxiously for her to come out.
          “Yo, Rej.”
          I jumped almost a foot in the air.
          “Ruthie, don’t do that.”
          Ruthie, with her short, cropped curly brown hair and blue eyes with matching blue glasses, grinned at me.  She was almost the same height as me, and practically two years younger.  “I thought it was funny.”
          “Of course you did,” I responded, rolling my eyes.  “Let’s head over to Star’s, now.”
          Let me explain a little bit.  Ruthie, Star and I have a sort of ‘club’ though we’re too old to call it that.  Our ‘club’ doesn’t technically have a name, though we always joke that our motto should be “We do most things within reason” and the name ‘Within Reason’ had sorta stuck.
          Starforest, or Star, who’s actual name was Aria, lived about a block from Ruthie’s, so Ruthie and I had to walk a little ways.
          “How’s life?”  I asked Ruthie.
          “Boring.  Too boring.  Freakishly boring,” Ruthie replied, adjusting her glasses.  “You?”
“Same.  Kizi and I are both starting to lose it with Mira.  She acts like she rules the world, but she’s actually only about 11 years older than Kiz.  I don’t know why Dad married such a…kid,” I trailed off.
Ruthie sighed.  “I’m sorry, Rej,” she said genuinely.  Then she brightened.  “You can live at my house!”
I laughed.  “I wish.  But don’t you already have enough guys?”
“Two brothers, one more can’t hurt.  Plus, you’re nicer than them,” Ruthie said, grinning.
“Why, thank you,” I said, doing an overcomplicated bow and causing Ruthie to laugh again.  “It is my pleasure to serve thou, great maiden.”
Ruthie grinned and pretended to curtsy.  Yes, we’re crazy sometimes.  Just wait till Star comes into the picture.
Then, Ruthie got serious.  “Mira’s, what, 27?”
“28,” I corrected automatically. 
“And you just turned 13 last week.”
I nodded.  “And Kizi’s gonna be 17 on April 14th.  So in a week.”
“So she’s really not that much older than you.”
“Mira? Yeah.”
Ruthie sighed.  “She’s a little…”
“Weird? Stupid? Annoying? A jerk? Yes,” I said, annoyed at Mira even though she wasn’t there.  “I don’t know why Dad married somebody that’s, like, 20 years younger than him.”
“We’re here,” Ruthie said, stopping in front of Star’s house. 
“HeyguyshowareyouwhattookyousolongI’vebeenwaitingforlikeforever!!!!!”  Star ran out, energetic, bubbly and blonde as always, from her backyard, grabbed our arms, and less than a minute later we were all sitting in Star’s treehouse.
“Sooooo….”  Star began.
“I now call this meeting of Within Reason to order,” Ruthie said, plugging her nose and making her voice sound high pitched and squeaky.  
Star giggled.
“Now the role call,” Ruthie cleared her throat.  “Starforest of Faerie aka Aria Emerson?”
Starforest of Faerie was Star’s full name.  Aria Emerson was her actual name.  We just called her Star.  When Star had first moved here about 6 years ago, she had told us her name was Starforest of Faerie, and that she was the queen of all faeries.  Ruthie and I had officially liked her and inducted her into our club.  She doesn’t go by Starforest of Faerie much anymore, now that she’s 12, but we still call her Star.
Star waved her hand in the air.  “Present!”
“Good,” Ruthie said through her plugged nose.  “Reginald Turner who is more commonly referred to as Rej Turner or just Rej?”
“Present.”  I grinned.
“Ruthie Farner, who has no nickname as of yet?”  Ruthie asked, pausing momentarily before pretending to realize that was herself. “Oh, right, present.”
Star cracked up and I grinned.
“Now,” Ruthie said, running a hand through her hair.  “Star, any news in your life?”
Starforest was an orphan, but had been adopted by an elderly couple.  They were more like Grandparents than actual parents, but Star didn’t seem to mind.  They were incredibly lenient, though.  For example, they let their child run around wildly in their backyard at 3 o’clock in the morning.  Ruthie’s parents didn’t seem to realize that she left at all.  Unlike certain underage parents. Not that I’m naming any names, though…
“I have good news, and bad news,” Star said slowly, thinking hard.
“Bad news first,” I responded, yawning.  It WAS 3 o’clock in the morning, no matter which way we sliced it, so I was mildly tired.
“Okay. Bad news is, we’re going on vacation for this entire week, so I’m not going to be here for all of spring break.”
“Aw, man,” Ruthie said glumly.
“Where are you going?  Some place warm?” I asked, always the optimist.  Plus, it wasn’t hard to be warmer than Wisconsin.
Florida,” Star told us.  “My parents think that I should see Disney World before I turn 13.”
“Ah.”  Ruthie adjusted her position on the hard wooden floor of the treehouse.  “What’s the good news?”
“The good news is, that my parents agreed to getting me a dog! So we’re gonna buy a puppy tomorrow!” Star squealed.
“OMG, that is awesome,” Ruthie said, grinning.
I laughed.  “Cool, Star!”
“Thanks,” Star said happily.
“Rej? You got any news?”  Ruthie asked.
“Yeah, bad news, no good news, though,” I said, sitting up straight and preparing to tell them the horrid news I had received last night.
“Crud,” Ruthie said.  “But, okay.  Bad news it is.”
“So, you know how I mentioned a few days ago that Kizi is looking for Colleges?”
Ruthie and Star nodded.
“Well, she found one,” I said, “but it’s far away.”
“Far away as in…?” Star prompted.
“Far away as in England,” I replied, lowering my voice.
“Oh,” Ruthie said, putting a hand over her mouth.  “Oh, no.”
She knows what’s coming, I thought to myself.  Ruthie, despite being the youngest, sometimes felt like she was the same age as I was.  She understood me better than Star did.  Don’t get me wrong, Star’s great, but she can sometimes act a lot younger than she actually is.
“So, Dad and Mira were discussing Kiz going there, and they don’t feel comfortable with her being there by herself for some stupid reason.” I took a breath before continuting.   “So we’re… we’re…we’re moving.  To England,” I whispered the last bit, swallowing hard.  I hated going over these depressing conversations.  Hated it.
It took a moment for that to sink in.
“Oh, no,” Star said slowly.  “That’s bad.”
“Yeah,” Ruthie said, watching me closely.
I just nodded, numbly.
“When?”  Ruthie asked.
“When what?”
“When are you moving?”
“Oh.” I thought for a moment, trying to remember.  “I think they said December.”
“Holy cow, this December?!” Star demanded, eyes wide.  “That’s only, like, 9 months!”
I nodded again.
“This is probably going to be the last 9 months we’re going to spend together with all three of us,” Ruthie said, breaking the silence after Star’s words.
I looked at her.
“What…do you mean, exactly?” asked Star.
“Well, do you think any of our parents will go over seas to see the other family? Nope,” Ruthie began, and I sensed one of Ruthie’s long rants ahead.  “We could use Skype or Gmail, but Star doesn’t have a computer. I mean, Rej and I could still video chat or something, but what’s the likelihood that we’ll be online at the same time?  What with the time difference between here and England.  We could call each other, but, again, time differences interfere.  Plus, when you get to Englad, Rej, will you be homeschooled again?”
I shook my head.
“So, Rej will have normal school to worry about.  We could write letters, but that’d take about 2 weeks to arrive, so we wouldn’t hear from each other for a month or two,” Ruthie said.  “Then, we could—,”
“Look, Ruthie, you’re not helping,” I intervened, feeling slightly annoyed and incredibly upset.  “Do you not realize that I’ve spent the last 12 hours that I’ve known about us moving thinking about these exact same things? Do you not realize that I didn’t get any sleep last night because I was crying?  Do you not realize that this entire scenario SUCKS and that you are not helping one tiny OUNCE?”  My voice had steadily been rising and now I was almost shouting.  It took a lot to get me upset.  Moving was enough, and Ruthie, well, sometimes she just made situations worse.  I didn’t blame her though, I could tell she was freaking out inside of her head.
“I…Rej, I’m sorry,” Ruthie said quietly, her face showing the shock that she felt.
“Me too, Rej,” Star said.
I took a few controlled breaths before answering.  “It’s okay.  I’m just so…so…depressed.”
“It’s gonna be okay,” said Star reassuringly.  “I’m sure it is.”
I smiled faintly at her.
Ruthie put a hand on my shoulder.  “Do you want to move to England?”
“No, that’s what I’ve been saying this entire ti—,”
“Then you’re not going to move to England.  We’ll figure something out.”
I looked straight into Ruthie’s face and realized that she was deadly serious.
“Okaaaay,” I responded slowly, unsure whether to be filled with gratitude, or confused as to what she meant.
“Oh, my God!” Star said suddenly, causing Ruthie and I to jump.
“What?” asked Ruthie.
“I have a plan,” Star said, mischievously.
“What…sort of plan?”  I asked.  Mischievous + Star = Trouble.
“A plan to keep you here.”
Ruthie glanced at me, as if waiting to see my approval. 
“I don’t see why not,” I said with a shrug.
Star grinned.
And so the planning began.

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